Tuesday, March 31, 2015

It's a Gas! Gas! Gas!

For the first year I had Chandler I fed him Iams® Dog Food. The only problem with the Iams® is that it caused Chandler to fart. He didn't just fart a little bit, and he didn't just fart odorless gas. He blasted out room filling clouds of methane that smelled as if they had come from the depths of hell. I knew that I had to do something because Chandler was threatening to leave us friendless. No person in their right mind would want to visit us and spend time in what smelled like Satan's asshole. So I switched Chandler to Purina® Dog Food. At first I gave him regular Purina®, but he didn't like it very much. I then tried Purina One®. Both dogs seemed to like the Purina One® and it mitigated the farting. Though after a while I noticed that once a week Chandler would not eat and would spend most of his morning walk munching on the neighbor's grass, which he would promptly barf up the minute we got home, in the living room, on the rug. I simply assumed he had a sensitive stomach. Unfortunately the longer Chandler ate the Purina One® the more often he would do the, eat grass, puke in the living room routine, until it got to the point where he went nearly four days without eating. So off to the veterinarian we went, where I was relieved of one hundred and eighty dollars and saw very little change in Chandler. Maybe it was what I was feeding him. So I then looked up dog foods, and their ratings on the internet. It turned out that Purina®  brands got very low ratings. I noticed that Iams®, the dog fart food, got nearly two stars more. Now I am not suggesting that Purina® is shit dog food, or that Iams® is any better. What I am saying, is that after switching back to Iams® Chandler's stomach problems went away. Yes he is farting a lot and yes they stink horribly sometimes. But at least my dog is eating the dog food, and isn't eating the grass and puking anymore. Besides, listening to Mark choke and gag on Chandler's ass fumes cracks me up. It's priceless.

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