Monday, May 11, 2015

From the Butt or the Gut

There are a lot of products that they used to sell when I was a kid that I don't see any more. I suppose it's a good thing that I don't see people smoking Old Gold Cigarettes anymore, but what about Fizzies? If you are older than sixty years old you might remember Fizzies. They were flavored pills about the size of an Alka-Seltzer that you dropped into a glass of water to make homemade soda pop. It pretty much tasted like carbonated piss, but it was fun. I also remember some kind of drinking straws that when you sucked regular milk up through them, chocolate milk would come out the other end. It was genius, almost as genius as Fizzies.

Over the weekend I was having stomach troubles. Not so much the stomach as the area just above it. It was sort of like indigestion, but not. In fact I was sure it was gas and not indigestion after Prilosec, Zantac, and Pepcid failed to rectify the problem. Friday night I lay in bed, in agony, trying to force up a good belch. That's when I got a brilliant idea. I got out of bed, went into the kitchen, and sucked down a beer. Sure enough, I let out a thundering belch and went back to bed relieved and sleepy from the beer. Unfortunately, I woke up early Saturday morning feeling even worse. That's when a little advertising slogan popped into my head. "♫When you eat too well, demand Di-Gel." That was what I needed, so I went up to Walgreens looking for Di-Gel. I don't know if they stopped making it, or if Walgreens does not carry it, but there was no Di-Gel. It made me think, how many other remedies that used to be advertised are now gone? Do they still make Geritol? They used to advertise that stuff on the Lawrence Welk Show. It was for old people, and the tag line was "For Tired Blood". Geritol was twelve percent alcohol, so I'm sure it perked up the old folks 'tired blood'. For a little while at least. Anyway, I couldn't find Di-Gel, but I did find Gas-X. I bought the Gas-X and I was very satisfied. It not only took care of the upper gassiness, but it relieved lower gassiness too, and by Saturday evening I was belching and farting my way to good health. I did notice that Gas-X doesn't have a catchy slogan like Di-Gel, so I'd like to offer them this one. "From the butt or the gut, Gas-X e-jects."


  1. Geritol is 12% alcohol? I'm in. I've been trying smoothies for breakfast. Tofu, soy milk, banana, spinach, cocoa powder, ice and a little brown sugar. I have to time it just right...if I don't poop before I leave the house in the morning, I might destroy my car.

    1. I suppose that if it's in a glass you know that it's a smoothie. Otherwise, what would be the difference between what you just described and dog vomit?

  2. Totally looks like puke but tastes like chocolate thanks to a heavy hand with the cocoa and brown sugar. While making it the other day, I thought "hey...this is what the special effects guy blends when people have to look like they throw up on film." Next week...fake blood smoothie.