Wednesday, May 6, 2015

Riding With Mark

"What is she waiting for? GO, GO, MOVE ALREADY! Oh my god, this light isn't that long, why isn't she moving? Look....   oh, finally one car has gone through. C'mon, faster, dammit faster... bzzzt... mmmmpht.. zaaaap!"

I fully expect that to be how Mark dies. In the car, in a hurry, frustrated by texting, cell phone yakking, inconsiderate assholes. While impatiently trying to get to Wendy's for lunch, his brain will short circuit and then his head will explode. I understand, I used to be the same way. Slow moving cars and gridlock traffic would always send me into a tirade. When I was working I was always behind schedule and stuck in traffic with customers paging me, asking when would I get there. Especially in my last job. That one involved the maintenance of hospital pharmacy, computerized med distribution. Nothing is bitchier than a nurse who cannot get to her patient's meds, so I was always in a hurry. Not anymore. I'm retired and I have no deadline. I sit in traffic listening to music, enjoying being alive without a job. Mark, on the other hand, who has not worked in fifteen years, is still always in a hurry. When driving, his blood pressure goes through the roof, his body vibrates, he starts speaking in tongues, and every other car on the road is his mortal enemy. I've tried to explain to him that he needs to relax, that he has nowhere to be in such a hurry. He does not listen. So if you are ever in your car and there is a blue PT Cruiser behind you honking the horn, with a skinny man driving it cursing and screaming, wave at him. That will be Mark, and the act of a friendly wave on your part will send him through the roof.
I think you'll be entertained.


  1. I've driven with Mark. You won't need coffee if you're sleepy. I'm the opposite and drive at what I call a progressive speed. It's an algorithm in my head which promotes missing red lights and move steadily along. Ron gets impatient and thinks I drive 20 mph but I speed up just enough to make lights and not sit and wait. I also watch people and look around while enjoying my drive. It will be interesting when Mark rides with me. He will probably call me grandpa and then realize we didn't stop anywhere and agree it's a good system but won't ever drive that slow or relax. That's who he is and I've learned to accept it. If he gets too crazy I will snap him out of it with humor and wit. Good luck and breathe deep Alan.

  2. Ok, so Sam is the guy who makes me miss the left-turn arrow as he slows down 1/2 a mile from the light! That's when I start swearing like my Dad.... get the "f" outta my way!! Stopping at a red light is much better than the bad karma you have wished upon you by the left-turn motorists!!

  3. I think you should research some books on tape. I like the old Agatha Christie mysteries to get me down the road, but Mark might need some Deepak Chopra. Problem is if you switch whose driving and have the wrong tape in. Either you will fall into a deep meditative sleep at the wheel or Mark learns new ways to kill his fellow drivers.

    1. Books on CD's are what we use when traveling cross country. It sure makes the time go by. The only problem is my propensity to fall asleep. I make Mark go back to the chapter where I think I fell asleep and play it again. (Obviously I am not driving when I fall asleep.... usually.)