"Crunch, crunch, crunch, crunch..."
"What the hell's in your mouth? Chandler, drop it, drop it right now!"
There is no point at all trying to pull whatever the hell Chandler had just picked up off of the street, out of his mouth. Besides the fact that he is faster than I could ever hope to be, he has jaws of steel. Once he gloms onto something you cannot get his mouth open. Meanwhile, over in the grass, Bette is standing there chawing away like Don Zimmer. I have no idea what she got a hold of, but it must be very chewy. So I drag her over to me, pry open her mouth, and swipe the inside with my fingers. Nothing. She swallowed.
I have switched my dogs over to a very expensive dog food. I got tired of cleaning up vomit in the living room and listening to Chandler's stomach talk all night long. I thought that if I got them a good dry dog food with dead lamb and rice in it, I wouldn't have to doctor it up to get them to eat it. I was wrong. This is day three of the new dog food. I poured one scoop into Chandler's bowl and a small amount into Bette's. Chandler looked at it, then looked at me, then smelled the food, then looked at me again, and then laid down on the floor next to his bowl and took a nap. Bette didn't even smell hers. She just walked away. They don't like it, fifty dollars a bag and they treat it the same as if it were the generic crap from BJ's Wholesale Club. So it turns out that I still have to mix some leftovers from our dinner in there to get them to eat.
Carcass of an iguana that's been dead for a week? Chandler will eat that thing right up. Squashed bag of McDonald's greasy French fries out on the street? Bette is in heaven and grabs it before I know what's happening. I have caught my dogs eating Mark's used tissues. I have had to pull rubber bands out of their assholes, because a rubber band that has passed through the digestive system isn't designed to slide effortlessly out (I have had to do that more than once). My dogs look upon cat shit as a rare delicacy. And when it comes to vomit, it's all good, and it's even better if it belongs to another dog. So I am going to keep buying the expensive dog food. I know it is good for them. I'll just have to continue to doctor that stuff up like I used to do with the lower priced food. Maybe a snotty tissue or a bit of vomit mixed in will make it more delectable.