Tuesday, May 19, 2015

Pizza Boy

Back in 1970 I took a job in the city as a pizza delivery guy. I was perfect for the job. I had a Volkswagen Microbus, long hippie hair, and a rudimentary knowledge of the North side of Chicago. Pizza delivery taught me many, many things. After all I was a white suburban high school graduate, which meant I had a lot to learn. The first thing I learned was that the pizza place that hired me was in the gay neighborhood. In fact it turned out that it was right next door to a gay bar, which eventually would work in my favor. As a pizza delivery guy I learned what a Mezuzah was and that besides a lot of homosexuals, there were a lot of Jewish people in that neighborhood. I also learned that a lot of those Jewish people loved the baby back ribs our pizza place sold. Delicious pork, baby back ribs. Over time I learned how Chicago streets were laid out and numbered, and I learned that Skippy's Pizza had some very loyal regular customers. There was the manager of the nearby theater who always answered the door naked, smelling as if he had just taken a shower. Very polite, always invited me in, and even though I turned his invitation down he always included free theater passes in the tip. Besides the naked theater manager there was the naked drunken lady. Well she wasn't always naked when she answered the door. It was only when she dropped the towel she was holding over herself that she became naked. That actually may have been the very first time I had seen an entire naked woman in the flesh. I was not impressed. In my pizza delivery days I learned how to make change quickly, how to coax a good tip out of people, just how small an opening a Volkswagen Microbus could fit through, and how to look nonchalant when confronted with a naked person.

Last night Mark and I ordered a pizza from our favorite place. It has to be about the five hundredth time we've ordered from there, so I assumed that there would be no problem. About forty minutes after ordering, the dogs went to the kitchen door and indicated that they wanted to go. So I opened the door and let them out. From down towards the front of the dog run I could hear a voice calling, "Sir, did you order pizza?"
It was the delivery guy. A cute, young, new delivery guy. He was trying to climb over the fence.
"Yes, but why are you back here?" I asked while Bette went crazy and Chandler snapped at him.
"Isn't this the entrance?"
"The entrance to the house is on the other side. Go around to the other side." I instructed. So he climbed back down from the fence while I went back inside to the front door to retrieve the pizza. He apologized and told me that the dog run sure did look like the way in. I told him it was fine, that he'd learn what a front door looks like eventually. Just like me when I was a pizza delivery man, he'll learn. Hell, I might even help out and answer the door naked for him next time.


  1. Jumping the fence now that's dedication!

  2. When I was doing room service from Marriott in Fort Lauderdale I once delivered breakfast to a naked man. That was an OMG moment.