Monday, December 14, 2015

Help Me Rhonda

Mark and I were watching the television show Empire the other evening. One of the characters, Rhonda, who is very pregnant, is standing at the top of some very steep stairs. Mark says, "She's going to fall down those stairs." The very next scene involved crazy Anika, who is also pregnant with the child of her ex-husband's son. I then tell Mark, "No, that crazy bitch Anika is going to push Rhonda down those stairs." Sure enough, a few scenes later, Rhonda takes a tumble down the stairs, pushed by a shadowy figure who looks a lot like Anika. That's how television is, they kind of clue you in on what's going to happen. For instance, if a character suddenly has a bloody nose for no reason, they are going to die from brain cancer. If one of the people in a show starts coughing up blood into a handkerchief, that person has lung, or stomach, or spleen cancer. It never fails. Which is why last night when I got up to pee in the middle of the night, while I was standing there in front of the toilet and my nose started to bleed, I panicked. You have to realize I was groggy because it was like four in the morning, and the first thing I thought of was brain cancer. Also I seem to have one of those pesky canker sores in my mouth, so that didn't help my state of mind. Maybe it's mouth cancer, I thought. I went back to bed. I had a hard time falling asleep, until I remembered that I have a blood vessel located near the surface of my right nostril that bleeds all the time. Also, that canker sore? I'm pretty sure that was caused by my holding the flashlight in my mouth while I pick up Chandler's dog shit every time he poops on my neighbor's grass.

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