The Dog Screamer

I don't know how Ceasar Millan, the 'Dog Whisperer', does it. Maybe he has a pact with Satan, or he's some kind of magician, but he can take a crazy bitch and turn it into a sweet little pup just by making a noise. "Fsssst, fsssst", and suddenly Cujoe is slavishly obeying every command. I've tried that with my dogs, and they just look at me with a dumb, blank stare, then go on about their business.

I'd sure like to have the Dog Whisperer stop by my house some day. I have one dog, Sasha the schnauzer, who gives me the dog equivalent of the middle finger when I call her. If she could talk, I'm sure she'd be saying, 'Come to you? Just for that stupid little cookie you're holding? I don't think so.'  Then there's Chandler. Eighty pounds of bicycle hating mutt. If Ceasar Millan could get Chandler to just stop chasing after bicycles I'd be happy. I've tried everything. When I see a bike coming, I get down and talk to him, telling him that it's okay, the bicycle isn't a beast coming to steal his street. He usually tears free of my grip and chases the bike until he hits the end of the leash. I've put a choker lead on him, and gave him the 'correction' that Ceasar always talks about. No luck, the bike comes by, Chandler lunges, barking wildly, and the cyclist pumps away in terror. Oh, the choke lead does work. Chandler is left coughing and choking, but not until he has scared the piss out of the person on the bicycle.

Today, five times bicyclists came riding by Chandler and me. Two of them knew Chandler, and were prepared for him, giving him a wide berth. Two more were lucky because I saw them coming and pulled Chandler into a driveway. The fifth guy I didn't see until it was too late. Suddenly my arm got whipped around as Chandler ran for the bike, and before I knew it he was within a breath of finally catching his first bike. Luckily my grip held as my arm strained at the socket, and the guy on the bike swerved away. Next time I'm sure he'll remember to make a noise before pedaling past us so I know he's coming. Either that or he'll have to change his shorts again.