Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Sign Language

A nondescript, gray car, shaped like a bar of soap, and the occupant is waving at me. I have absolutely no idea who the hell it is. Almost every car here in Florida has those tinted windows, and almost every car here is similar in design. I wave back dutifully, so as not to piss off who ever the hell just waved at me. At least they're being friendly. When I was just a squirt, I could tell which neighbor was coming down the street from a quarter mile away. 1959 Chevy with those gull wing tail fins, Mr. Bonner. 1956 pink and gray dodge, Mr. Friese. 1956 Ford sedan with matte primer and no chrome trim, the punk kid who used to live across the street coming over to visit his girl friend three doors down.

Yesterday though, there was one car that stood out. It came barreling down the street as I was walking Sasha. As it came close I gave the signal. My hand, palm down, moving towards the pavement in little increments while I looked the driver in the eyes. He didn't seem to care and continued speeding towards us, so I screamed out, "Slow down!" as he passed. A skinny arm came out of the drivers side window, at the end of that arm was a fist with one finger sticking up.

The next day I asked the 'mayor' of 17th Terrace, Miss Diane, if she knew of anybody with a black Mustang. Miss Diane has lived on that street since 1956. She knows everything going on down there.
"Oh sure, that's Mr. Smith. They live down there by that basketball hoop next to the driveway."
So Sasha and I took a little walk down that way. Just as we got near that house, the black Mustang came pulling up in the driveway.
"Do you always give people the finger?" I said as the man got out of his car.
"Excuse me?"
"Were you driving this car yesterday. Somebody was speeding down here in that car, and gave me the finger when I yelled at them to slow down."
"My son had the car yesterday. What did he do?"
"Speeding. Gave me the finger."

I was a little asshole when I was a teenager. I once told a neighbor that I could speed down our street because there was no posted speed. He about blew an artery. He told my dad, and my dad said to me, "What the hell's wrong with you, you stupid asshole. It's a goddamned residential street. The fucking speed limit is twenty, you moron."
So I was very happy yesterday to have returned the favor. Unfortunately I doubt if that kids dad will have the flowery language my dad had.


  1. Post ur own speed limit signs like this...

  2. Hahahahahahahahaaaa!!! Whenever I watch Red on That Seventies Show I think of dad. If they allowed cursing on network tv they would have it down!

  3. What are those cool chain things they throw down across the road to blow out the tires of speeding cars? Just asking...

  4. Record the bastard speeding. Be sure to show his plate number. then submit it to the police.