Thursday, January 24, 2013

Icy Hot

"Alan, wake up."
"What, what's happening?"
"What's that smell?"
"I don't know. Let me sleep."
"It smells like... kinda like, Ben-Gay and bacon. Is your mom frying bacon in Ben-Gay?"

In sixteen years Mark and I have only spent one night at my mother's house, and every time I mention that maybe we could stay there overnight again, Mark brings up the Ben-Gay and bacon story. It turns out that Mark was smelling Ben-Gay and bacon that morning. The Ben-Gay was slathered on my mom's aching muscles, and the bacon was sizzling in a frying pan along with some eggs. Like the nice guy he can be, Mark choked down the eggs, thanked my mom, and then went outside to get some fresh air. He may have puked behind the bushes too, but since I wasn't out there with him I can't be sure. It turns out that Mark can't stand the odor of Ben-Gay, and hates his eggs fried in bacon fat.

Cut to this morning. I awaken early to a searing pain in my back, just above my left ass cheek. I struggle to put on my shoes and walk the dogs. The further I get along in the walk, the more I realize my back is not right. So, I put the dogs back in the house, sneak out in the car to the drug store, and buy some Icy Hot patches. You know, the ones that Shaquille O'Neal advertises. When I get home I paste one of the patches to my back, and notice that it smells just like Ben-Gay. After putting on the patch I go into the kitchen and start making breakfast. I throw four strips of bacon into a frying pan, and start the eggs. Two minutes later Mark comes into the kitchen, all bleary eyed.
"Is your mom here?"


  1. Brings back all the memories of the smells that were in the house when Dad would be up at all hours of the night, frying something! I feel bad for Mom and Mark. Mom for having to use BenGay and Mark for getting sick from that smell!!

  2. For your information, Icy Hot does not work. I had that thing on for eight hours yesterday, and it didn't help at all. On top of that, when I peeled the thing off it was like a gigantic Band-Aid. Good thing I don't have a hairy back.

  3. That's a nice pic of your Mom. Alex and Alicia favor her a little.
    I recommend Tiger Balm--don't go for the White Top jar but proceed directly to the Red Top one. You can find it at any Whole Foods or Trader Joe's store where lesbians hang out.
    Smells like ass but burns away any feeling in the area.
    p.s. The dog in the picture looks very spoiled.

  4. Oh! My dad used Asorbine in the old jar with the ball on top. Not Asorbine Jr. for people...

    Asorbine regular strength used as a liniment for horses.

  5. product called Arnican cream or BioFreeze which is a spray or cream. Both work extremely well, Arnican has no smell at all and BioFreeze is pleasant. I use it on my arthritic knees and it really helps.

  6. Alan, I'm addicted to the Thermacare patchs for my back pain/sciatica. There is NO smell and adhesive only at both ends. I get the one for the NECK area, NOT the one for the back itself as it is too unwieldly and has stupid straps. Actually the ones for menstrual pain were my favorites.. but I think they discontinued them. They stay warm for longer than 8 hours most of the time.

  7. P.S. Physical Therapy for a few weeks really helped immensely. You shopuld look into that for longer term relief.

  8. Annnnd FYI, Hostess, all of Lila's kids say the dog IS her favorite child!!

  9. I love Alicia's new hair style in this photo
    and when did she get a poodle?

  10. I'm telling Alan's mother Garrett.