A Neighborly Day

I try to get along with my neighbors, even the cow next door who leaves her barking dogs out in her yard at midnight. I'm cordial to her, and I wave hello every time she goes by in her noisy piece of crap car, belching oily smoke. In answer to Rodney King's question, yes I can get along.

Sunday morning I took the car out for a quick trip up to Dunkin' Donuts. I like to drive on Sunday mornings because there are so many less things for me to run into. Anyway, as I made my way towards Dunkin' Donuts, I saw my neighbor from across the street walking. You may remember her from my story about her seeing alien landing craft one morning. She isn't well. I know she drinks a lot, and probably abuses other non-commercial products, but she's always been nice to me. She also saved a dog that had spent her entire life tied up to a tree when the bastard owners moved away and left her. So there is a lot to like in this neighbor despite her substance abuses. I stopped the car and asked her if she would care for a lift.
    "Whaaa? I've never seen you drive Alan."
    "I do have a drivers license. Come on, get in."
She slowly opened the car door, and got in. I asked her where she was off to.
    "The Quality Diner. I didn't know you could drive Alan."
    "Yes, like I said...  "
    "So you can drive? I didn't know you could drive."
It was obvious she had already started drinking, or more likely, she was still drunk from Saturday night. Her hair was a mess, her arms looked like she was wearing skin that had been shed from a lizard, little scabs covered her face, and there was a distinct foul odor about her. When we pulled up in front of the Quality Diner she leaned over and gave me a big kiss on the cheek. Let me make a small point here, I don't like kissing. Inside I shuddered and every organ in my body clenched when I realized what she was doing. Her lips felt more waxy than moist on my skin, and I am now very sure that I have cooties. I will give her a ride if I ever see her walking again. I'll just be ready to dodge that kiss next time.