Monday, October 28, 2013

A Neighborly Day

I try to get along with my neighbors, even the cow next door who leaves her barking dogs out in her yard at midnight. I'm cordial to her, and I wave hello every time she goes by in her noisy piece of crap car, belching oily smoke. In answer to Rodney King's question, yes I can get along.

Sunday morning I took the car out for a quick trip up to Dunkin' Donuts. I like to drive on Sunday mornings because there are so many less things for me to run into. Anyway, as I made my way towards Dunkin' Donuts, I saw my neighbor from across the street walking. You may remember her from my story about her seeing alien landing craft one morning. She isn't well. I know she drinks a lot, and probably abuses other non-commercial products, but she's always been nice to me. She also saved a dog that had spent her entire life tied up to a tree when the bastard owners moved away and left her. So there is a lot to like in this neighbor despite her substance abuses. I stopped the car and asked her if she would care for a lift.
    "Whaaa? I've never seen you drive Alan."
    "I do have a drivers license. Come on, get in."
She slowly opened the car door, and got in. I asked her where she was off to.
    "The Quality Diner. I didn't know you could drive Alan."
    "Yes, like I said...  "
    "So you can drive? I didn't know you could drive."
It was obvious she had already started drinking, or more likely, she was still drunk from Saturday night. Her hair was a mess, her arms looked like she was wearing skin that had been shed from a lizard, little scabs covered her face, and there was a distinct foul odor about her. When we pulled up in front of the Quality Diner she leaned over and gave me a big kiss on the cheek. Let me make a small point here, I don't like kissing. Inside I shuddered and every organ in my body clenched when I realized what she was doing. Her lips felt more waxy than moist on my skin, and I am now very sure that I have cooties. I will give her a ride if I ever see her walking again. I'll just be ready to dodge that kiss next time.


  1. now I know how you feel when I try to kiss you. my first comment. ron

  2. You're not quite as crusty as she is Ron. Welcome, we look forward to more of you.

  3. THAT'S why you invented the "family handshake"......

  4. I think it's hilarious how she kept saying 'so you drive Alan...'. Even in her fog- she knows.
    Anyway, no good deed goes unpunished you know. You definitely have cooties.

  5. Cooties!!! I haven't heard that word in a very long time! What a nice gesture Alan and I'm glad you are willing to pick her up even though she stinks and gives you cooties!!

  6. God bless that waitress at the Quality Diner who has to take that order.

  7. Oh Hostess, that's another story. She used to be our regular waitress at the Quality Diner. She doesn't work there anymore, only eats there.

  8. Scabs on toast anyone? :D

    Cooties ! Cooties now Alan, maybe you told me about this before... it rings a bell however not loud enough, what the heck is cooties? Is it as mega gross as it sounds?