Monday, October 28, 2013

A Neighborly Day

I try to get along with my neighbors, even the cow next door who leaves her barking dogs out in her yard at midnight. I'm cordial to her, and I wave hello every time she goes by in her noisy piece of crap car, belching oily smoke. In answer to Rodney King's question, yes I can get along.

Sunday morning I took the car out for a quick trip up to Dunkin' Donuts. I like to drive on Sunday mornings because there are so many less things for me to run into. Anyway, as I made my way towards Dunkin' Donuts, I saw my neighbor from across the street walking. You may remember her from my story about her seeing alien landing craft one morning. She isn't well. I know she drinks a lot, and probably abuses other non-commercial products, but she's always been nice to me. She also saved a dog that had spent her entire life tied up to a tree when the bastard owners moved away and left her. So there is a lot to like in this neighbor despite her substance abuses. I stopped the car and asked her if she would care for a lift.
    "Whaaa? I've never seen you drive Alan."
    "I do have a drivers license. Come on, get in."
She slowly opened the car door, and got in. I asked her where she was off to.
    "The Quality Diner. I didn't know you could drive Alan."
    "Yes, like I said...  "
    "So you can drive? I didn't know you could drive."
It was obvious she had already started drinking, or more likely, she was still drunk from Saturday night. Her hair was a mess, her arms looked like she was wearing skin that had been shed from a lizard, little scabs covered her face, and there was a distinct foul odor about her. When we pulled up in front of the Quality Diner she leaned over and gave me a big kiss on the cheek. Let me make a small point here, I don't like kissing. Inside I shuddered and every organ in my body clenched when I realized what she was doing. Her lips felt more waxy than moist on my skin, and I am now very sure that I have cooties. I will give her a ride if I ever see her walking again. I'll just be ready to dodge that kiss next time.

8 comments:

  1. now I know how you feel when I try to kiss you. my first comment. ron

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  2. You're not quite as crusty as she is Ron. Welcome, we look forward to more of you.

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  3. THAT'S why you invented the "family handshake"......

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  4. I think it's hilarious how she kept saying 'so you drive Alan...'. Even in her fog- she knows.
    Anyway, no good deed goes unpunished you know. You definitely have cooties.

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  5. Cooties!!! I haven't heard that word in a very long time! What a nice gesture Alan and I'm glad you are willing to pick her up even though she stinks and gives you cooties!!

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  6. God bless that waitress at the Quality Diner who has to take that order.

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  7. Oh Hostess, that's another story. She used to be our regular waitress at the Quality Diner. She doesn't work there anymore, only eats there.

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  8. Scabs on toast anyone? :D

    Cooties ! Cooties now Alan, maybe you told me about this before... it rings a bell however not loud enough, what the heck is cooties? Is it as mega gross as it sounds?

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