Monday, January 7, 2008

Female Troubles

The other night we had the coldest temperatures in five years, it actually got down to thirty four degrees. On a cold night like that nothing looks better than a nice warm bed with piles of blankets to pull up over myself. So when it was time to go to bed, I quickly slid under the covers only to find myself lying in a cold, nasty, large puddle of dog drool. It seems that while we were out seeing ‘Sweeny Todd’, Molly was home enjoying the warmth and comfort of my bed. Lately she has been leaving puddles on the sofa, bed, and anywhere else she lies down. Before we left I had erected a dog barrier on the bed consisting of an ironing board and suitcases. Somehow a twelve year old dog that sleeps twenty hours a day and gets almost no exercise turned into an Olympic athlete, and leaped over my barricade.

Molly’s puddle problem started a couple of weeks ago, and of course my first suspicion was that she had peed in her sleep, however upon close olfactory inspection this turned out not to be the case. It wasn’t until one night I was awakened by a rhythmic slurp, slurp, slurp, slurp. I reached for my little flashlight, turned it towards the sound, and there was Molly vigorously licking her genitals. This furious licking apparently resulted in a copious amount of dog spit which rolled down and soaked into the area below her. I am not a dog gynecologist, but I assumed that this was not normal and maybe Molly had one of those mysterious female problems that I never want to hear about. The fact is I wasn’t going to be the one to inspect her.
This morning we all went off to see the nice lady at ‘Gentle Care Animal Hospital’ to find out about Molly’s female troubles. After getting a urine sample out of Molly and doing a little probing, the doctor informed me that "nothing seems to be wrong, maybe she just likes it". I don’t want to hear that my twelve year old dog has just discovered masturbation, yuck.

The doctor suggested one possibility is that because of Molly’s age, her female parts have lost some of their tone and elasticity allowing a few drops of urine out. In other words she sprung a leak and the licking is like the little Dutch boy stemming the flow. So now she’s on female hormones, which the doctor says will help restore muscle tone and control to her female parts. This is so much more than I ever wanted to know about Molly.


  1. Glad to hear there isn't really anything to worry about with Molly. She is 84 in dog years. Do they make Doggy Depends?

  2. one of my dogs is on Proin for just that. Except instead of tightening her "girly parts"...I prefer to think of it as tightening the bladder shincter that's what it does.

    and it works great as long as I take her out every 4-8 hours. She's usually fine while we're at work all day, unless her diabetes is out of whack...which is another story.

  3. Yes, Russ, they do make Depends for cats and dog. Just do a google search.

    Alan, Now it is your turn to give Molly extra care in her elderly years. A few puddles here or there is better to deal with than her not being around at all.

    Capisca di che cosa sto parlando?

  4. Laura, you call them what you want and I'll call them yucky girl parts.

    Sorry Garet, me no speaky Italiano.

  5. Do you understand what I'm saying?