Thursday, October 29, 2009
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
This past Sunday the Bears were on the NFL Ticket only, and I got myself all geared up for an exciting game. Unfortunately the Bears lost the game in the first quarter, giving up three touchdowns within minutes. I no sooner got settled with my beer and snacks, and it was twenty one to nothing. Once again, this is not what I thought I'd be seeing when I pay that huge DirecTV bill every month. I think Jay Cutler and Lovie Smith owe me some money.
Oh, and one more thing. I know that sports announcers aren't the sharpest tacks in the box, but at least they should be able to pronounce English words properly. Cincinnati does not have a football team called the Bangles, and Jacksonville does not have a team called the Jagwires.
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Modern Family follows the three branches of a family, and includes a gay son, his husband, and their gayby. Once again because of this show, Mark has been reminded that he would like a baby. Thankfully the State of Florida has saved my ass by making it impossible for us to adopt. I know it’s not fair to the rest of the gay folks out there who would make great parents, but I’m just a bit selfish on this subject. Besides, seeing as how Mark does not walk the dog, clean up his poop or puke, doesn’t feed him, or the cats, nor does he clean out the kitty litter box, and vomits at the sight of a cat-hair ball on the floor, I know with certainty that a baby would mean I would do all the dirty work. If Mark can’t hold his stomach down when he gets a whiff of dog crap, I think his head would pop off if he had to deal with baby shit. Having grown up in a house where I lived through eight babies, I know that what’s in a baby's diaper can peel the paint off the wall, and burn right through the mucus membranes of your nose.
If Mark wants a baby so badly he should see my sister in-law. She has a doll store, and I’m sure that even though it’s in Florida, Mark would be allowed to adopt one. I would have only one rule if he did adopt a baby doll, and that is that he’d have to keep it out in the shed. Right where I’d make him keep the real baby if he could actually get one.
Monday, October 26, 2009
Friday, October 23, 2009
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
So this winter we will have no fresh tomatoes in our salads, no fried green tomatoes, and no tomatoes on my hamburgers. While I myself could not hurt them, I do understand now why that iguana had an arrow through it a few years ago.
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
This little cold front won't last long. In fact by the time you read this the temps will have started climbing back up towards the nineties, with the humidity building up right behind. Up north you guys call it Indian Summer when you get a cold spell in the fall followed by more warm weather. Here in South Florida we call it nature screwing with us.
Monday, October 19, 2009
I wouldn't have brought those people up, except I was sitting here in my office yesterday and I heard kids screaming and laughing from the house next door. When I looked out the window, I could see three little kids running back and forth on the roof of my neighbors house, the neighbors who I refer to as the 'Clampetts'. These kids are about eight years old, and I'm pretty sure their dad and mom were home. Of course we all know that just because mom and dad are home, it doesn't mean they are awake and sober. I was truly torn about going over there and knocking on the door to tell the parents what was going on, but I figured with all the commotion and stomping across the roof, they must have been aware. I also remembered that when I was a kid, my brothers, sisters, and I would climb up on top of our garage and play. If it was good enough for me as a kid, then what right do I have to ruin those kids good time. Besides, it is only a twelve foot drop, and except for the side with the concrete driveway, most of the perimeter has nice soft grass to break the fall.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
When it comes time to sit down and eat the thing, Mark will pile it on my plate, and put half as much on his, which I don't think is fair. Like the good son that I am, I will proceed to eat all that is on my plate just like my mom taught me. Mark however, will pick at his food, rearrange it on the plate, and then when I'm not looking because I am too busy shoveling the stuff into my face, he will disappear from the table. A starving African family of ten could literally live on the food I scrape off Mark's plate into the garbage every night. Of course not all of it goes into the garbage, it is the one big reason Chandler is on his way to doggy obesity. At least tonight we have invited a couple of friends over to help consume the thing. I hope they are wearing their expandable pants, and are very hungry.
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Monday, October 12, 2009
I don't know exactly what Mark did after we got home. I could hear him squawking into the phone at someone, and then he left the house, returning a while later with a 'Snow White' DVD in his hand. Later I got a phone call from Toys 'r' Us headquarters asking for Mark. "Could you please have him call us back when he gets in?" the pleasant voice at the other end said.
See, that's the difference between Mark and me. Mark squawks, and squeaks, and insults, until he gets what he wants. I just start cursing, and end up looking like a crazy old man who nobody wants to even talk to.
Friday, October 9, 2009
So what car do you wish you had back?
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
(Link to Story)
From Russia Today
The Sunshine State is rather restrictive on what you can do between the sheets. No doing it if you are not married; no kissing your wife’s breast; no oral sex; no indulging in Kama Sutra; and absolutely NO SEX WITH PORCUPINES!
However two tourists from St Petersburg, Russia, decided to defy the wise instruction of Florida’s legal system and engage in lewd activity with the spiked beast, reports Tvoy Den tabloid.
The idea came to Anton, 32, and Evgeny, 30, after a long party with a lot of booze. A guideline into weird and outwardly dumb laws of different American states was its centrepiece, and the one about porcupines apparently caught the friends’ imagination.
“We’re here to have as much fun as we can,” decided Anton after a brief discussion, and the whole company went out into the Floridian woods in search of illegal pleasures. Unfortunately for them they found one.
The newspaper didn’t go into technical details about what happened next, but the next day both men, who spent the night taking a flight to Los Angeles, had to go to Cedars-Sinai Medical Center. The diagnosis was hardly unexpected: porcupine needles in the genitals.
The damage caused by the porcupine fighting for its honor was horrific. Both Anton and Evgeny had severe inflammation and nearly lost their private parts. At least they didn’t have to answer to the law, having left Florida before seeking medical help.
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
This evening I was watching a movie I had recorded a couple of months ago. It was called 'Vanishing Point' and was actually a very crappy movie, filled with nothing but stereotypes of Blacks, gays, rednecks, cops, and women. Apparently, Mark was still harboring some resentment from earlier in the evening over the wine thing, so he came into the living room, sat down, and said "I saw this movie three times when I was in high school. Do you want to know how it ends?" Before I could say no, he proceeded to tell me that the 'hero' just vanishes into the horizon as the credits roll. I was furious that he had ruined the ending for me, and what happened next might have been the wrong thing for me to do, but I had to get even. Mark has been going on and on all week about seeing an upcoming movie called 'Trick R Treat', so I went to the internet, and looked up the spoiler ending to that movie. I then went back to Mark and told him the ending to his movie of the week. Boy was he pissed. Especially since he was just kidding about the end of 'Vanishing Point'. Turns out the hero doesn't just vanish, and now I'm the asshole. I guess I'll just grab a bottle of wine and hide out until this all blows over.
Monday, October 5, 2009
The part where we sat around introducing dogs and cats to the people was great, and I think we might have adopted out a few. The part where I ventured into the casino afterwards was another matter. I might as well have taken a couple of twenty-dollar bills and put them through my paper shredder at home. Apparently, the science of casino design has reached a point where they can lure you in, get you lost among the machines, and then totally disorient you with cacophony until your wallet is empty, and they can do this in less than five minutes. I walked out of that place feeling as if I had been pantsed and thrown out into the street naked. I still don't know where the fun part of gambling is, unless all those people plunging their money into the machines are just total masochists. As for my friends who brag about how much money they have won in the casinos, I think they lie. I think they are full of shit, but the next time I see them you can be sure I will let them know that I walked away hundreds of dollars ahead, and had a fabulous time.