Thursday, March 7, 2013

Would You Like to Use the Bathroom Sir?

Yesterday morning I was munching down on some delicious cereal that Márkus (my imaginary boyfriend who does not resemble in any way a real living person ) had brought home. It's called Great Butt Blowing Grains or something like that. All I know is that it was chock full of dried blueberries, pomegranate, and I suspect some prune bits, because I wasn't even half finished before I felt the rumblings in my nether regions start up. I've told Márkus time and again not to buy these colon clearing cereals. Something nice and bland like corn flakes or Cheerios will do. No need to induce great volumes of gas in me. I do that just fine by myself.

Yesterday afternoon was my bi-annual visit to my ophthalmologist's office, also known as Dr. Baker's Tower of Torture. I had my eyes poked. I had a ten thousand watt light shined into each eye. I had eye drops to dilate my eyes, and then an even brighter light flashed into them. The most hated piece of torture equipment in my doctor's office is something called the 'Field of vision test', where they make you keep your head stuck in a very warm box with flashing lights. With each flash of a light you have to press a 'clicker' to prove you saw the light. Halfway through this twenty minutes of hell the machine makes a loud beep, and the technician lets out a frustrated breath.
"You moved your eye, and the machine voided the test. We have to start all over again."
It was at this moment that Márkus' revenge hit. I had been trying to hold it back for over ten minutes and is probably why I moved, voiding the test.
I sat there and pretended nothing had happened.
Obviously I was about to explode, and couldn't deny that I had farted.
"Would you like to go use the bathroom sir?"

I went to the bathroom and did enough to let me get through the test and out the door without asphyxiating the technician. It was quite embarrassing and I blame Márkus for that. So tonight I'm going to eat a big bowl of that Great Grains Blowout cereal before bed. Then I'm going to serenade Márkus all night long. Maybe he'll remember to buy me corn flakes next time.


  1. Haha. I would have died of embarassment for sure. You know white castle will help add to Markus' torture :-D

  2. Sadly, no White Castles in Florida.

  3. You just described my worst nightmare.

  4. Oh I should know better than to read this at work! I can't stop crying I'm laughing so hard. You lived everyone's worst nightmare. Thanks Alan!!

  5. I have just 1 thing to say...lactose intolerant. Now try soy milk and see what happens. I bet you'll be pleasantly surprised. my favorite is vanilla almond soy milk.