Monday, November 18, 2013

God Damn it

If there is a god, I don't think he (I will call he/she/it, he for my own convenience here) is some well meaning soul who created us in a gesture of beneficence. Just ask the people in the Philippines who are eating their dogs and cats right now. I know that we all have to meet our end at some time, in some manner, but the lengths God takes to trim excess humanity seems somewhat extreme. It's his own real life version of the movie Final Destination. And how come God made everything that is pleasurable and fun, Bad for you. Back when I was young I loved smoking cigarettes, drinking too much, and sex. It turned out that all of those would kill you if you didn't stop or cut down. I hear that heroin is fun, but I would never try it because it's bad for you. Cocaine was fun, but it ruins your nose and actually wasn't ever worth the price. Too much sugar, bad. Too much mashed potatoes with butter and sour cream, bad. Too much delicious food by Mark, bad. Everything I like just always seems to be bad. What really pissed me off recently, is that I have discovered that my favorite ice cream is bad. It tastes good, so good that I can't stop eating it. I don't buy it, Mark does, and he bitches every time because I end up eating it all. And what is so bad about Blue Bell Ice Cream? Well, it makes me fat for one thing, but the absolute worst thing about it is that it makes me constipated. I love Blue Bell, every single flavor they make, but it does not love me. It plugs me up like concrete. I'll bet God rolls on the floor in laughter while watching me strain the morning after binging on Blue Bell. Sadistic bastard.

7 comments:

  1. I get down on my knees every night and ask God the same questions...then I can't get up because my knees are sore because I ate pizza and ice cream and had to go to the gym to work off my penitence.

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  2. Alan!! One more thing that makes things taste good but is bad for you- especially YOU. GLUTEN. Blue Bell is one of the only ice creams out there that uses wheat as a thickener! You are gluten sensitive. This is genetic. I have 2 genes for it- that means I got one from mom and one from dad. So we are DOOMED! A big part of the reason you end up bloated/constipated is the same reason that damn ice cream tastes so creamy and good... God Damn it.

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  3. Patti, how do you know we have this gene? Is that also why I am overweight and fart a lot? Can I use the gluten gene as an reasonable excuse?

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  4. Sick of hearing about itNovember 19, 2013 at 1:47 PM

    Oh Alan- hahahahahahahahahaha!!
    Aren't you on the gluten craz yet? It's the new big thing!! It will fade away just like all the other fads that come and go.

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  5. When I was twenty years old I did the macrobiotic diet. I read all about it, bought all the food, and cooked it according to the recipes in the cook book. That lasted one week. I was working in a pizza place at the time.

    I can't say one way or another about gluten. I have no knowledge at all about it. Unfortunately Blue Bell will have to go the way of my cigarettes.

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  6. One thing for sure, god has a wicked sense of humor.

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  7. As Maude used to say, I'm "gonna getcha!"

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