Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Pool Cleaning Tips From Alan

I have a nifty little trick I do when cleaning the pool filter. The filter is encased within a metal canister that is sealed shut with a twisty thing (technical term) on top. To break the seal, I loosen the twisty thing and then turn on the pump for one quick second. The lid to the canister pops up, and you can then easily remove it. Like I said, it's a nifty trick... if you do it right. Rule number one, don't leave your fingers between the twisty thing, and the metal canister when you flip on that pump switch.

I think I let out the loudest howl ever. Not even the time I scared the shit out of the doctors, and nurses when they were removing bone marrow from my hips, was I as loud. The backyard cats ran for their lives, birds burst out of the trees in a panic, and the lawyers in the office on the other side of my backyard fence started filing law suits for sexual harassment against me. Why? Because I left my fingers between the twisty thing, and the canister lid. Why the sexual harassment suits? I can't help myself, when I am hurt I automatically start screaming out the worst, most vile, most profane string of filthy words I can think of.

Yes I know it shocks most people within earshot, but it also makes me feel better. If I'm going to be suffering with my fingers smashed like pancakes, I'm going to make everybody know it. How loud was I really? When I walked Sasha later in the afternoon, my neighbor across the street, Stan, said he had heard me screaming. Honestly, I was a bit disturbed that my neighbors heard me screaming at the top of my lungs, and nobody called 911. I guess they know me pretty well.


  1. They probably figured if you could form cusses then you were ok... And they would be right.

  2. My fingers were firmly clamped under that twisty thing for at least thirty seconds before I realized that I should shut off the pump power. What if I had passed out before my brain kicked in? How would my neighbors feel then?
    (P.S. Mark was in the bedroom watching television and eating bon bons the whole time.)

  3. Me: Yum, what flavor bon bons do you have?
    Me: Oh Mark, I thought I heard a scream outside.
    Mark: Oh that's the cats outside probably catching a rat and oh, those are the raspberry ones.
    Me: Yum, so what's on TV?

  4. Have I seen Alicia wearing that beautiful shade of chartreuse and lavender?

  5. ouch and OUCH. Did you see stars?

    BTW -- thanks for note of encouragement for Julie. You probably know this but every message of support is really uplifting for her right now.


  6. Hmmmmm....same color my right big toenail turned after I dropped heavy objects on it x2 in 5 days! Then it fell off and now I have some grungy-looking thing in its place. And people wonder why I don't do pedicures! Family trait... but I curse much quieter.