Would You Like One Lump or Two?

There is a show on one of those cable channels, History, or Bravo, called ‘Hotel Impossible’. On it this guy goes to help failing hotels, and turns them around within the one hour show. One of the things he does is inspect the rooms by flipping over mattresses, and looking under things.

It’s three o’clock in the morning, and I am lying in my LaQuinta hotel room bed, slowly rolling towards the edge. I swear that there is a body encased in this mattress. It has a huge lump in the middle, and a deep dip near the side of it. Unlike the guy on the show Hotel Impossible, I am terrified to look under things in this room. I need to sleep, and I am afraid that if I looked I would definitely find something totally revolting. I finally fall asleep only to be awakened by the most awful, obnoxious odor you can imagine. Aha! There is a dead body in this room. Then I realize that Chandler has fallen asleep with his ass in my face. That is the other thing about this room, LaQuinta always accepts dogs. Traveling with two dogs, one ninety pounds, and the other a bit of a yapper, makes it difficult to book a room without putting up a cleaning fee. LaQuinta does not care. In fact it is sort of like a dog shelter when you check in. 

Now back to that bed with the strange lump in it, and a dog farting in my face. Apparently Chandler doesn’t like it either, because he got up after gassing me, and jumped across to the other bed to join Mark and Sasha. Finally, I can get some sleep.