Friday, June 7, 2013

Sudden Impact

Warning: If you are easily disgusted, or have a low threshold for vomiting, read no further.



Okay, I assume that if you have gotten this far I can pretty much say whatever I want. You were warned.

I have ignored those probiotic commercials on television thinking that it had nothing to do with me. I might have been wrong about that. This morning I felt my usual urge after breakfast, so I made my way into the bathroom. I strained, I squeezed, I put my all into it, but no dice. Or should I say, no poop. There was something definitely in there, it just didn't want to come out. I tried standing up and jumping, and then I tried pulling my legs up as far as I could into the fetal position. Still, nothing would come out. The harder I tried, the greater the pressure built up. After twenty minutes of this I pulled my pants up and Googled my predicament on the computer. It wasn't much help. Honestly, this experience has given me so much more respect for what women go through in child birth. To make a messy long story short, after almost forty five minutes the beast within finally burst out. No, it didn't just pop out on it's own. Without getting too graphic, my solution to the problem involved a free condom that was given out last weekend in a local bar, and my finger.

13 comments:

  1. How about a suppository or enema?? Pearl loves both of those! And I am trying to find the connection between you and her that leads to such fascination with feces.... or are you just aging faster than I am??? But I know a 91 yr old (very well)who NEVER uses poop as a topic so what gives with you?

    ReplyDelete
  2. I still say poop is funny.

    ReplyDelete
  3. All I can say is keep a bottle of magnesium citrate in the bathroom. My dad used to call it dynomite. LOL. Works much better than excavation. As usual, I have forgotten my google info. I am the illustrious winner of that weird silver plated thingy last year.
    Barb

    ReplyDelete
  4. As a nurse, I have to say that poop is not ever, ever funny.... especially when people expect you to happily clean theirs up!!! I don't get paid enough!

    ReplyDelete
  5. Older folks need more water in their diet. The cure is simple...drink more water daily. It will keep you from getting dehydrated and constipated. Coffee and alcohol also contribute to dehydration.

    ReplyDelete
  6. I just saw an episode of "Dr. G. Medical Examiner" where some poor soul died of a fecal impaction. Do not take this lightly. Drink your fluids. Buy some Dulcolax, Also, you should go get a massage where they massage your abdomen because that will help, too. Those are my helpful hints.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Garrett, what the hell do you mean "older folks"?

    I am trying to drink more water, and everything is back on track these past few days. So no Dulcolax is necessary, nor are any more digits.

    ReplyDelete
  8. It was not an implication it was a realization.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Hilarious Alan! And I love the warning because you know someone is going to have a negative comment even after being warned. Glad it all worked itself out in the end!

    ReplyDelete
  10. Last anonymous....even more disgusting than poop stories. Get off this blog!

    ReplyDelete
  11. I'm afraid A Nony Mouse, that Blogger was a little slow detecting that spammer. But in the end (No pun intended) they deleted it before I could even get to it. Normally Blogger has a pretty efficient spam detector. You wouldn't believe the stuff that doesn't get in the comment section.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Alan's poop is funnier than my poop.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Hostess, I knew you wouldn't be easily disgusted.

    ReplyDelete