Monday, September 23, 2013

Shut the Fuck Up

At a random moment during one of my favorite television shows Mark steps into the room.
    "Oh my god, that's horrible. Why did they shoot that man in the head?"
    "He's a DEA agent."
    "Who is that guy who shot him?"
    "Bad guy."
    "Who's the guy under the car?"
    "Jessie Pinkman."
    "What did...  "
I put the television on pause as my patience reaches it's limit.
    "Goddamnit Mark, I've put nearly sixty hours into watching this show. You watched ten minutes of the first episode and stopped watching because it was 'too violent'. Now you want me to bring you up to speed on what's happening?"

Mark drives me crazy with his talking during movies, and interrupting television shows with questions. It's been this way for sixteen years. He attributes it to an ethnic thing. I say that's a stupid excuse for his big mouth. Anyway, I have instituted a few rules for when I am watching television. I don't expect Mark to start following these rules, but here they are.

  •  Quit asking me questions about the plot. I am watching the same damn show you are. I know as much as you do, so shut the fuck up.
  •  I am not going to fill you in on the intricacies of the plot, of a show you decided you didn't want to watch three years ago. Figure it out for yourself, and shut the fuck up.
  • No, I don't want to know what is going to happen just because you read about it on the internet. Why would I want to have the ending of a show spoiled by you? Shut the fuck up.
  • Finally in general, please be quiet. Not just when I am watching a television show or movie, but most importantly, if you come into the living room and the television is on and my eyes are closed, shut the fuck up. I'm sleeping.


  1. I'm printing out these rules for my girlfriend and adding the rule that she can't read me newspaper and magazine articles.

    God bless you Alan, we'd be perfect roommates.

  2. Remember when Grampa used to "rest his eyes" while the TV was blasting? And then Gramma would yell "BILL!!" Ah, memories!

  3. Oh I'm so guilty of this too! I'm going to print out the rules for me and TRY to follow them! I know my husband would love to tell me to shut the fuck up but he's too nice a guy to say that!! Hahaha! This is so funny. Thanks.

  4. Well. I think I ***might*** be guilty of similar infractions. But what always happens in our house is that AP comes home from playing tennis when the show I'm watching is at its climax and then he proceeds to tell me every single thing about his tennis game.

  5. white guy who asks about video plots and talks to the screenSeptember 23, 2013 at 4:46 PM

    Yeah, I do this too, and I don't think I have anyways close to the same "ethnic" upbringing Mark had. Rather bothersome to folks trying to just watch the show.....

    Good rules, though.