Tuesday, November 26, 2013

Bondage & Discipline

How to Harness a Dog
By Alan.
Alan takes no responsibility for lost dogs, strangled dogs, dog bites, temper tantrums, or the accuracy of any of this information.


  1. Choose an appropriate harness from the hundreds of styles offered. The harness manufacturers have purposely made them difficult and hope that you pick the wrong one and have to buy at least five more before you find the one that works for your dog.
  2. Approach your dog with the harness spread open with the leg loops for the dog's front legs ready. Figuring out which of the many loops are for the dog's legs is part of the fun. It usually takes two or three tries before you do figure this out.
  3. Set the leg loops on the ground and set your dog's front legs in the leg loops, pulling the harness up the dog's legs quickly. Now do it again because the dog has gone into it's excited going for walkies dance and pulled away from you. On the third try you should be able to accomplish this feat. If after three tries you still can't get the harness up the front legs of your dog, return to the pet store and buy another model.
  4. Connect the rest of the harness around the dog's belly. Usually a plastic clip enables you to easily do this if you have not put the harness on backwards. Two out of three times you will have put the harness on backwards. Don't get discouraged... yet.
  5. Cinch the harness up so that it is not too loose. This is done with little buckle like things with loops of harness running through them. You either pull the loop all the way through to make the harness tighter, or you push it through the other way. I have no idea which way to do it. If you go at it for an hour or so, you should eventually come close to getting it right.
  6. You are now ready to walk your dog in a civilized manner, without choking the poor thing. Hopefully you got everything right. However, you might want to consider also using the old fashioned collar and a second leash, just to be sure.

5 comments:

  1. I bought a harness once for our dogs to share. In the winter they take turns pulling the kids on a sled. Labs are so tolerant I was given no problems trying to figure it out.

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  2. You're gonna need a safe word and it shouldn't be "more".

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  3. Hostess, your comments make me laugh as much ss Alans blog!

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  4. Madonna, you obviously come from smarter genes than just what was offered by your father. Your dogs must also be a bit smarter than my dog who thinks he can catch airplanes that fly over his head.

    Hostess, they're for the dogs, not Mark.

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  5. I found it easier to fence in the back yard than to put a harness on my dogs.

    ReplyDelete