Tuesday, March 4, 2014

Floor Update

If you remember, Mark bought Pergo flooring. I swore up and down that under no circumstances would I be the guy who did the install, so Mark promised me that he would find somebody to install it if I paid the guy. The guy who was supposed to do it never called, and the next guy who was supposed to do it charged way too much. Being of a thrifty nature, I am now eight days into doing the install that I swore I would not do. So far I have multiple bruises up and down my arms, my shins are bruised, and my knees feel like they've been hit with a hammer. On day one of this project, I emptied most of Mark's hoarded crap out of the various cabinets and book shelves. Day two was taken up with figuring out how to move all the heavy furniture that Mark loves so much, across the room. The answer to that problem was Endust. I simply sprayed Endust in front of the heaviest of furniture and slid it across the floor as if it were on ice. On day three I untangled the miles of cables that had accumulated behind the television because I couldn't reach them to remove them. On day four I took a nap and later went out for a drink. On day five I enlisted one of my neighbors to help me move the top half of the china cabinet. It was heavy, so I rested on the sixth day. Day seven dawned bright and cheerful so I decide it was time to actually start on the floor. The first row of Pergo planks went down easily. It was when I started the second row that things went to shit. I would try to snap one in place and two others down the line would pop out of place. I screwed around with it for at least an hour before my head exploded and I tore into Mark for forcing me into this dilemma.
            "I told you I didn't want to do this! I told you I wasn't going to do this! Now I'm stuck with this goddamned mess, and it's going to stay a goddamned mess until you find a goddamned floor goddamned laying goddamned guy to come in a lay this goddamned floor!"
I actually didn't say goddamned. I used the F word, and I used it even more than indicated. When Mark and I get into an argument, he is a genius at working me into a froth. With just a couple of well placed words he can raise my blood pressure and have me spitting incomprehensible curse words. This time he didn't do that. He did something that pissed me off even more. He sat at his computer doing a crossword puzzle, ignoring me.

On day eight I finally calmed down and I figured out how to lay the Pergo floor without it coming apart. Meanwhile, Mark is still doing crossword puzzles in the bedroom.


  1. You should have a Spring Dance on the new floor. Just charge admission to pay for all your hard work.

  2. It's all part of the plan...I mean Mark always seems to get you to do things that you swear you would never do... Mark has Finesse!

  3. http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/finesse

  4. I Know what the hell finesse means. He also has guile.