Death Wish

We’re sitting in a traffic jam that makes no sense. Cars are backed up three blocks and not moving while steam and a sputtering sound is coming out of Mark’s head. He’s about to blow, and even though I remind him that we aren’t in a hurry, he’s contemplating jumping the curb and driving across a vacant lot. I open my door and get out of the passenger side to see what the holdup is. From my vantage point I can see that there is a police car blocking the intersection two blocks up. A stream of cars is passing through on the cross street without stopping even though the light keeps changing. It’s a funeral.

Since the first days I learned how to drive, more than forty years ago, I never could understand why the hell funerals get to run the red lights all the way to the cemetery. Certainly the person in the coffin isn’t in a hurry to become worm food. I say take your time, you have an eternity ahead of you down there.

One possible reason that could be put forth for such a dangerous practice, is that some of the people won’t be able to find their way to the grave-side service unless they can follow the hearse non-stop to the cemetery. Personally I think it could lead to someone in the funeral procession getting an early invitation to join the deceased when a car T-bones them because they see a green light and not the police car.

One way to get everyone to the cemetery, would be to give them a map or even a pre-programmed GPS unit. Of course then you would have grieving people driving around trying to understand the disembodied voice of a computerized nag. Maybe I’ll just pick up one of those paper window stickers from a funeral home, put it in the windshield, and when I see a funeral, join the procession until I get to where I’m going.