Tuesday, April 16, 2013

Douche Bag

Last night, in the middle of the night, I had what I'd call mental restlessness. This is where you lay in bed and start thinking about something in your past and then the longer you lay there thinking, the more it escalates into a full blown case of insomnia. It all started with me getting up to take a pee. When I got back to bed I started thinking about when I was a kid and I wouldn't get up to take a pee. I'd just do it right there in bed. It used to drive my mom crazy, and really wasn't a very pleasant thing to wake up to. That thought then reminded me of being potty trained on an old, wooden, potty seat that sat on top of the regular toilet seat. I remembered the little rubber cup at the front that was designed to catch any errant squirts. This then reminded me of something else from my childhood. Now you have to realize that I am talking about being like two, maybe three years old. Anyway, in our bathroom while I was taking a bath one day, hanging from the shower curtain rod, was a rubber device. I remember my mom telling me that it was a hot water bottle, and that she used it for aching muscles. So there I was, little Alan sitting in a bathtub full of water, looking up at this strange thing. Oh, and it also had a long rubber hose attached to it with some kind of nozzle with four holes in it. Needless to say, I reached up and pulled the device off of the curtain rod and immersed it in the bath water. I then took the long hose and put the nozzle end in my mouth and started blowing bubbles with it. After a while I began humming into the hose as if it were a bagpipe, making up my own music. This got my mom's attention, and she came running into the bathroom with a horrified look on her face.
"No Alan, we don't play with mommy's things."
She took it away, and I never did see it hanging in the bathroom again.

14 comments:

  1. Our bathroom had a rubber bag with a hose. It was an enema bag and my mother used it on me all the time. I still remember bending over the side of the tub. She didn't understand that little boys don't poo every day. To this day I don't like chocolate because I grew up on ex-lax. It all came back vividly when I watched the movie "Sybil."

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  2. Gr8, your mom had no patience. My mom would sit me on that wooden potty seat and leave me until something happened.

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  3. My God. I cannot wait to see how your past-life regression session goes. Just regressing to your childhood is intense...
    BIG shout out to Alan's mother!

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  4. Actually made me laugh out loud. I think all families had one of those things, I just didn't put it in my mouth.

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  5. Oh...this was literally about a douchebag.

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  6. What's the difference between an enema bag and a douche bag?...asking for a friend.

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  7. The nozzle. Same bag, different attachment.

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  8. Hostess, it's where you put it.

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  9. This made me laugh, too.

    Oh the things we recall during the wee early hours of the morning.

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  10. Don't you mean the wee wee hours in the morning?

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  11. Alan, FYI when I have the mid-night mental wake-up, I find that if I put on my headphones and listen to some droning talk show I fall right back to sleep! You just have to pick a boring station full of douchebags. I think I need noise to fall asleep because we never did have quiet in our house. And the boys were the loudest!

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  12. What does Rick think of that? I don't have headphones that attach to anything in the bedroom. Just a box fan that runs all night. The steady hum of the fan drowns out all the critters skittering around.

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  13. I don't think Rick knows I do that.... judging by all the snoring sounds coming from his side of the bed! The headphones help with that too!

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