Wednesday, April 24, 2013

Pearly Gates

My sister Peggy sent me an email this week. It's all about her husband's mother, Pearl. She's written other stories about Pearl, of which my favorite is the one about her poop, but this one is amusing too. What I like the most is that Pearl likes her vodka, just like somebody else I know.

So I usually order the bulk of Pearls groceries through Peapod, a delivery service offered by Jewel (not the singer).  She writes up her list and gives it to me and I go on the computer and let my fingers do the walking....and avoid lugging several bags of heavy groceries to her place.  Heavy because she does love her canned vegetables and broth.  For that the delivery charge is $6.95 to 9.95 depending on how large an order it is.  You wouldn't think a 4ft 8in 95lb woman would eat much..."I have no appetite!" but she goes through more groceries than Rick and I do!  I often accuse her of hosting parties or hiding a boyfriend under her bed! So this week she added a bottle of Vodka to the list because she was out. She had told Rick that she didn't have any for a few weeks "and I don't even miss it!" but there it was on her grocery list!  (She doesn't think Rick and I talk and share information!) Here's the kicker.....the delivery guy said he had to see her picture ID!!!  92 years old  and she gets carded!!!  So she went to her purse, got out her wallet....and could NOT find her state ID!  So he took the vodka back with him!!!!  She stressed herself out about it for days before she would tell me about it. She crawled around looking behind things "where it might have fallen" and was very lucky she was able to get back up!  She almost gave herself a coronary she was so upset, "How will I get another ID?  Would he have taken my birth certificate for an ID?" (THAT she could find!!)  "Pearl, you haven't gone anywhere, you haven't needed it for ages. It is there in your house, stop worrying!"  So I get her a bottle of vodka (I gave up that battle and told her if she drinks too much and falls down she will be going to the nursing home!), and  I stop by her place.  "Get me your wallet." She hands it over, and I pull out the stack of credit cards, medicare card, pharmacy card......and her picture ID!!!  She is flabbergasted!  "I looked there...more than once....where was couldn't have been in there..."
I guarantee that she believes I had it all along and slipped it into her wallet while I was checking......because I am evil!!


  1. Thanks Alan! I started the blog as a way to vent my frustrations when dealing with the Pearl. Of course the stories are better when I used my high-pitched little old lady voice to do her part. When you are ready to move up here, you and she can share the condo, drink vodka, and talk poop all day long!

  2. I'm going to use that blog as an instruction book as my mother gets older.