Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Klutz (klŭts) –noun Slang

1. a clumsy, awkward person.
2. a stupid or foolish person; blockhead.





I hope that I’m not the second definition, but surely I am the first. This trait runs through my family starting with my dad. Many a time as a kid I’d be sitting in the house and out from the garage would come the familiar bellow of my father followed by cursing. He had slammed his head into the overhanging garage door rails again and would come into the house with blood streaming from the bald spot on his head. If you went out to the garage you’d find the flesh from the top of his head hanging off the end of the rail. He would do this over and over again. To this day I still don’t know why he didn’t wrap the rail ends in some kind of a cushion to protect himself.

Not to be outdone was my sister Peggy who had a habit of walking around barefoot in the morning. The scenario would be very much like my dads. I’d be upstairs in my bedroom or some other part of the house when the morning quiet would be broken by a long, loud, lingering shriek. If you didn’t know better you’d think she had just had her finger-nails ripped off by a mad torturer. The cause of these spine chilling cries were my sister stubbing her toe on a chair in the kitchen. She did this quite often and never seemed to learn that those chairs were waiting for her.

I wish I could blame all my clumsiness on my bad eyesight. The truth is that I was a klutz long before I started going blind. The difference is that it has really picked up in frequency. Now I walk around constantly with a mass of contusions and bruises on my elbows and shins. This house is set up for Mark and his skinny ass, with the furniture arranged so that a ‘larger’ person like me can’t just walk through without my elbows bouncing off things. I smash my shins into low tables and my head into cabinet doors that Mark has left open, while he flows through the house like Loretta Young breezing through that door every week (check her out on You Tube kids).



9 comments:

  1. I posted this story this morning then Mark and I went to get haircuts. The barber shop has about eight chairs lined up from front to back with those metal foot rests sticking out in front. After my haircut I was walking up front to pay and slammed my shin into the last chair, I mean really slammed it hard. It took all my will to not burst out into a curse-fest. Everybody in the place kept saying "Are you all right". One lady went to get the first aid kit but I just wanted to get the hell out of there so I could start swearing. God-damn it hurt.

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  2. Ouch! I think we are all a bit more inclined to accidents as we get...yes...older. I said it again. I just try to blame my mishaps on that. I would never admit that I am a klutz naturally.

    Interesting that klutz rhymes with Putz. Well, that is if you pronounce Putz as you would butts.

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  3. I think Mark would look fabulous in a cinched-waist dress like Loretta. Probably in a bright color though.

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  4. Yes, I agree, a Loretta Young costume on Mark would be a hit!..so would an Aunt Jemima costume.

    Ans where are your pictures Russ?

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  5. When I was a kid I'd watch the Loretta Young Show then go get one of my moms waist slips, you know with the elastic waist band, put it on and do those swirls around the room. Just like Loretta.

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  6. I knew it. I knew you had a little Loretta Young in you.

    As for me, I used to put on my mothers one piece swimsuit, wear combat boots, and dance to Abba music. Remember Russell?

    Hey, At least we are men enough to admit it!

    Ya got to laugh if you can picture that. It was all done in fun. My aunts use to get their husbands and boyfriends to dress up in womens clothes for fun back in the 1940's-50's. Apparently it was the "in" thing to do at parties. It must run in the family. I've got photos of them to prove it!

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  7. Disclaimer: One shouldn't believe everything that I write on this blog. Alot is written in jest.

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  8. You can use some of that hot air to heat your house this winter.

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  9. I think a wood or corn burning stove would suffice.

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